I was on my own when it happened. Sat in my room. Listening to my music. Queen, Made in Heaven. Talking to my friend on msn messenger. I can remember it like yesterday, in fact better than yesterday, as days don’t seem real anymore. It happened 2 years ago. To the day. To the hour…to the minute. It makes you realise exactly how fragile everything is. The friend I was talking to on msn was very depressed. He’d even gone so far as to start cutting again and he said it felt like being with an old friend again….that’s when my stomach turned over. He’d been a whole year without cutting and now this. I should have done something to help. Anything, just as long as it could’ve prevented the outcome of me not helping. I tried though, he just didn’t want help. He always did what he wanted to do. It’s just a shame no one wanted it…well I say no one but I guess that’s debatable.
He loved the sea. He sat listening to it and watching it whenever he could, he crept out of bed in the middle of the night just to go and sit and watch it, when all you can see is a shimmering silky black blanket. Rippling like melted chocolate under the velvety, silver studded sky. Sometimes there was a sliver of silver walkway from the moon so that when it was still caressing the water you believed that you could walk to the moon on this pathway. Then, when the hazy clouds covered the moon and you were left in darkness again, you realised it was nothing more than a fantasy. But for him it was more than that. He believed it was a pathway to the sky, he told me this when he was between cutting. In that glorious year I learnt about the workings of my old friend’s mind. This is why I read the signals so easily this time, but I was still too slow to read them in time even though, on reflection, they were obvious.
For decades the sun has been worshipped, it seemed the moon had the same effect on Paddy. He cared little for the sun and the golden orange pathway it made on the turquoise sea in the daytime. He, like me, preferred the tranquillity and mystery of the night-time. But what we both loved was sunsets. The beauty of a sunset is beyond words but I will try to do it justice. The sun changes colour to a deep blood orange and dips into the chocolate like sea, whilst at the same time dying the sky around it all shades of pink, red, purple and orange. From the lightest and most delicate shade of rose pink through to a harsh fighting scarlet. For me the clouds make it the ultimate heaven. Hovering like candyfloss and reflecting the stark shades of the sky in pastel tones.

Comments very welcome, there is also more if people want it.
xxx

So.....where to start....again I am bored and so feel the need to air my views about my life on here! Lucky you for reading it
Recently I have been having very mixed emotions about so many things it is confusing to say the least! I have to admit that yes I am just one person in a world full of problems but for talking about my problems on here helps me and no one is forced to read about them! If you are reading btw then....please comment or message me, it would be very welcome!

My current situation is that I'm at University in Salford and have been living at home for the past year and commuting in however I feel deprived of a certain amount of freedom and so have taken steps towards flying the nest..at least for the next year anyhow. I am going to be moving into a house with my boyfriend, one of my friends and one of his, we have found a perfect house and are just about ready to sign contracts and move in at the beginning of august. It will be so very cool living in a house but I have also been having doubts which has been unsettling me because I also want this so much. I feel as though something has shifted in my relationship with my boyfriend over the past cpla weeks but I don't know quite what. We have talked about it because that's what we do but I don't know how to solve it or make it better etc. it's kinda like at times it's felt more like we're friends than lovers. We've been together for over 2 years now and I do love him, I know this because I would go to the ends of the Earth for him and I know that he feels the same way about me. Thing is I worry about something maybe happenning over the next year whilst we're in the house (sharing a room) and if it does it would make things so very awkward in the sense of what would happen. It so happens that I wanted to make sure I had my own space and so a little study is mine as it were but I don't know if I could live in there as a bedroom should something happen.

The other thing is whether everyone's going to gel and things because I keep envisaging people keeping to themselves a bit which would kind of suck really because student houses should be fun and stuff!

Another issue is that I have wanted a dog for about 10 years now (I was scared of them before that) but there are many pros and cons for me jumping into that adventure at this point in time as I think I explained in my last entry.. Any advice on dog owning would be very greatly appreciated!!

I also have a favour to ask all of you out there in environmental jobs.....do you know of any good year long placements that may be available starting from next july/august/september time? I would quite like to work in a forest/woodland area or something along those lines as a ranger or some such job. I am going into my second year of university having wasted a year doing the wrong course beforehand and would be starting placement in 2009.

Now after that slight detour.....

I would never say that I have family problems but I do not feel like I fully fit into my family at times and admit that I (probably like many others) wish they were different. I get on well with everyone but I don't like the many mannerisms and the way of thinking that has been instilled upon me, very cautious and also a tad pessimistic sometimes (take the house thing as an example of that) I wish I was more impulsive and felt less constrained by my parents opinion of me which at the moment is good but things like getting a dog would almost certainly not impress them, it would be like rebelling in a way! Don't get me wrong, I love them but....they're parents I guess and slightly overbearing ones at times. Either that or I just care about their opinions way too much which I probably do :s

My brother was up this weekend from his new home in Somerset, we get on ok but not close at all which is a real shame but we are quite different and he bugs me quite a lot at times.

If I do get a dog then I think I'll probably end up going camping with it....and no one else possibly, will definately take it out on good long walks when I can which I doubt I will have company from my boyfriend on, he likes sport but not really walking

On another note, does anyone on here go climbing in Manchester area, in particular to Awesome walls in Bredbury? Also anyone weighing roughly 10-11 stone.

Think bed is sounding like the best cure for my boredom etc right now so nighty night, sweet dreams to all, xx

And so here it is, my latest need to inflict my verbal diarrhoea on you poor innocent people...
Any woman out there will probably understand all my problems with just one word....Periods, they are the shittest thing, yes worst things happen but at the time it feels like the world has come to a halt to make you feel uncomfortable and unhappy. I only really feel bad on my first day but boy is that first day bad, emotions are the worst part for me, I just feel like I have to do something drastic or escape or I might just explode!!! It usually embodies any changes I have recently thought about making, for example getting my hair restyled, just going away camping for a few days randomly, going for a big long walk on my own maybe, getting a dog, getting a tattoo.....now if you're thinking "wow, a couple of those shouldn't be spontaneous decisions" you can rest assured that none of them ever actually happen which is poo. I usually end up acting very frustrated, being irritable around those I care about most and crying to my boyfriend at some point. Not at all exciting really.

I wish I was a more spontaneous person really but I've been brought up as quite a cautious person and haven't managed to shake that off just yet, especially as currently I still live under my parents roof and so live by certain rules such as....no dog! And would have to borrow my mum's car to go camping and living with them still means that my judgement is clouded by the "what would my parents think" clause.

This month my main thought is that of what to do with my hair. Relatively trivial but at the same time not, I had it cut short a few months ago and now it is annoying me no end....I can't really style it differently at all and have very little artistic flair in the hair dept. anyway. I am thinking of either growing it out a bit and then seeing what can be done or having it cut short again (as it has grown a bit) but this time funkier. I used to be very much against hair products but find myself willing to lean towards them in order to get the look that I want, I have no idea what this look is by the way!

I have also been thinking about getting a dog as of late, I am going to be moving into a house over the next few months with friends and so as I will be away from my parents by a few miles I thought that the decision is up to me really. True enough I may be moving around a bit in the next few years and money could be tight but I would always put the welfare of any dog of mine in front of even my own. I would actually like to get a rescue dog because they deserve another chance in my eyes, I come from manchester and so the obvious choice would be manchester dog's home however I was reading their myspace page and the person who created it simply worked there and the last thing she wrote was a couple of months ago and said how she had left and no longer supported the home as she did not like their ethics, I don't suppose anyone knows what she is talking about??

I will now go onto the fashion part of this vent! I have always disregarded fashion....when I was 10 I refused to wear pink or skirts/dresses and retained these beliefs until I was 16/17 when I got a long flowy skirt, I still dislike the colour pink but have nothing against skirts or dresses, I still don't wear them often but that is mainly due to my practical nature. Because I've never followed fashion (jeans and strappy top girl me) I never did the girly stuff like reading magazines and figuring out how my make up suited me etc. I also don't go out much and so on the times that I do, I have nothing suitable to wear and am at a losss as to how to make myself look different. I'm ok with going out for a meal but clubs/pubs/bars I am truly rubbish at! Recently due to this lack of makeup knowledge I have felt a tad unfeminine because of my short haircut, I mean I have a good figure in my opinion, it's just my face that I believe to not be gender specific as it were. I would also love just one outfit even to go out in.

Ah well, I think that's actually it for my vent, if you have made it this far then well done!!! And thanks for taking the time to read, these are just really my mental mullings but still, any comments on my thoughts are very welcome, I'm kinda new to this blogging thing!

A
xx

Well, seeing as it's a bank holiday weekend my 'rents have decided it's the ideal time to redecorate the back room! I've helped with the fun it....pulling of fthe wallpaper and now hoping I don't get asked to help with the wallpapering. Personally I think I'll paint my house when I'm older and have my own place, I reckon it looks much better and no offence to my mum but she has a bit of a dated taste in what looks good at least I got to do what I wanted to my room although it does look a bit childish to me now... I'd do something to change it a tad if I wasn't hopefully moving out next year:D

Has anyone else on here got a Hamster? I've got the cutest little boy called Hammond, really missed having a pet so got him when I'd decided on living back home again, he's amazing but I sometimes feel a little cruel keeping him in a cage although I suppose I give him a much better life than others might. Darned animal abusers.

I finally found some nice jeans the other day because apparently I'm picky (ie I don't like what's in fashion) which makes clothes finding really annoying, that and the fact that I'm quite tall and have big feet! Now I just need some tops because I have about 5 that I wear at the moment but nowhere sells strappy/cami/vest tops!!!

Hope your lives are rolling along nicely! xx

Hey any readers out there,
life is pretty good at the moment, I suppose it could be a hell of a lot worse! My course at uni is going good all things considered.
Let me tell you a little about myself, I'm 19, going to be 20 in May, sounds so old!! I'm from England, Mancheter area. I went to uni last year in Wales, it was a great year overall but my course wasn't that great so I quit after my exams. I ended up working in a factory place over summer, it was really cool which not many people understand, I think it's something you have to experience for yourself, how you gain a sort of solitude and peace at times due to loud machines but at the same time if you're on a machine with someone (which I was all the time) you can have a good conversation and I got taught about the machine too to an extent which is cool, engines and things I find so cool. I ended up coming to my senses though and realising I could never stick it as a full time job for too long and I was only there as a temp until October at best. I found a course on wildlife conservation and that is where I've ended up now.
It's a good course this time and I reckon that when I finally finish it I'll get a good job that I actually enjoy!!!
I still live with my parents at the moment but I'm looking to move in with a friend from uni, my boyfriend and another guy we know, as long as we find a place to live which isn't as easy as it sounds.

I've been cheesed off recently, been getting these feelings of wanting to escape just for a little while every so often, maybe it's why I've started jogging even though I'm rubbish at it. I don't know what I'm running away from but I do run away from things sometimes, they always seem like such stupid things too, it annoys me so much. I almost feel like living alone, that way at least I have more control of doing what I want and when I want to do it, I have a certain amount of freedom now and it's ok, never have rows about it or anything but I find it hard because I don't have anything outside of uni and tae kwon do which I do twice a week, I want to start climbing but haven't got around to going back to it yet back here, it was easier back in wales I guess. Maybe I'll get Jamie (boyfriend) to get me some contact details for his mate who climbs, it might end up being my escape even. oh I can also play the guitar and saxophone and in my opinion I sing alright too but I've never had lessons or put it to the test kinda thing.
I have a sense of humour but I don't know how much it'll come through on here...we'll see I guess!
I can't really think of much more to write right now so I may go for a run and update anyone who's bothered some day soon, if you have read this far then thanks
xx